Not her Type
by JnjlenSkinjbir
Summary: Never say something confidential to Bixlow, even when he's drunk. Especially if he's drunk. Else trust him to use it against you later.


**A/N:Hey guys! Yeah, another Elfever OS, like I've said earlier today! RN Zuzu, you should feel spoiled. You should all feel spoiled you Elfever fans hu hu hu...  
I wrote it during lunch time, and I hadn't eaten before I finsihed writing it! But I re-read it today and it was awful, so I corrected it and re-wrote some scenes. I swear I was laughing non stop while writing until the video.  
Hope you'll enjoy!**

* * *

 **Year X784, at the Raijins flat**

Three men and a woman were sprawled over couches, sofa or the carpet of the living room. They were surrounding a coffee table, supporting a bowl half full of guacamole, some chips crumbs and a lot of empty bottles and empty glasses.

"Sooooooo," slurred Bixlow, still holding a near empty bottle of whiskey in his hands. "What is your untype of woman or man?"

"Untype?" repeated Evergreen, her brows furrowed, the alcohol making it for her more difficult to concentrate.

"Yeah, it's the contrary of type. 'Just asking what kind of man or woman you wouldn't date."

"Untype is not in the dictionary, Bixlow," said Fried.

"Yeah, I know, I just invented this word," chuckled the pupeteer, before emptying the bottle.

"At least, this time, you just invented a word," sighed Luxus as he was finishing his beer. "The last time you were drunk, you invented a whole new language. None of us could comprehend you."

"That's because I'm a fucking genius."

"That's because you're a fucking idiot," groaned Evergreen, shifting position on the couch.

"Awww, c'mon, Ever, you're being sooooooooo mean! You're all being so mean! Why does nobody wants to answer my question?"

Judging it was for the best if Bixlow had immediately an answer (even when he was drunk, the man had an extremely precise memory of what would happen. Thus, he was able to ask them this question before the whole guild if he didn't know about this now), Luxus decided to answer first.

"A woman who has a very strong temperament and who pisses me off when always being behind my back. And you, Bixlow?"

"One that hate and despise my babies, and don't understand that they're living being too," answered the Seith mage with an enamored look in the eyes, while gently stroking his babies, who were currently sleeping on the carpet, next to him.

They didn't even need to ask Fried, who began to talk, encouraged because Luxus-sama had answered the question too.

"A woman as cultivated as a chamber pot, as strong as a mice, and as refined as dung."

When drunk, Fried had a natural propensity in poetry but, alas, even though he used figures of speech, the result had nothing poetic in it.

Evergreen remained silent, staring at her Martini glass.

"Ever? Why don't you answer?"

"Don't feel like doin'it."

"But everyone diiiiiiiid," complained Fried.

The only woman of the team sighed and, after a few sips she said:

"I have tons of untype of men, so I guess it's best if I simply described what my future boyfriend will be like. So, first things first, no mage. A man tall, but not much, because I don't wanna always crane my neck when speaking to him and I wanna match his height when I wear my heels. He will have the sense of fashion, so he won't dress like a peasant, but not too much, 'cause I'm the one that's supposed to spend the most on clothes, okay? He won't be a macho -God, I wouldn't stand it if he spent his days talking to me like I was his servant or to brag around that it's the man's job to repair the plummery or something like that-, and he will be sensible, but not too much. I don't want a fountain, I just want a guy who cares for me. He will have some muscles, but not much, else it becomes ridiculous - I mean no offense, Luxus. I'd like if he was slightly more muscular than Gray- except that Gray's as white as an ass, so I'd want my man to have a tanned skin and dark hair, because it matches. Dark skin and fair hair just make someone look like a delinquent, and I want no delinquent as my man. He won't have shaggy hair because it just looks like a hedgehog, but if his hair is as straight as Fried's, that won't do either. He won't be hairy, but he will have a beard -no sideburns, because it's waaaaaaaaaay too old fashioned. That's all I think, but it's really hard to find a man who matches all the criteria. However, a man who doesn't them, even just one, is simply not my type."

"Wow, looks like someone's picky", commented Bixlow.

"Well, you were the one who asked the question", she retorted dryly. "I'm done. I'll go to bed. Good night, guys."

* * *

 **Eleven years later, X795, Hall of Fairy Tail Guild, in Magnolia**

All the guild's members were present, clad in their most beautiful clothes. Today was a special day indeed, the day Evergreen. After a ceremony in Kardia's cathedral (during which Fried had cried his eyes out, saying something about his sister getting married, and during which, surprisingly, Gajeel, Natsu and Gray had managed to stay still during three hours non stop), they were all gathered in the Guild Hall, so as to attend the wedding feast. Even the first master was there, enjoying the tasty smell and aspects of the several meals that Mirajane, Lisanna and Fried had spent the whole day to prepare.

As they were waiting for the wedding cake (a tiered cake made of small rhum cream spuff, topped with black chocolate sauce), Bixlow stood up and tapped his knife against his glass. Immediately, all the chatters stopped and all eyes were turned to him.

"So, as the bride's almost brother, I will say a few words, like Luxus and Fried did before."

Evergreen was eyeing him warily, but Bixlow paid no heed to that and turned towards Elfman.

"Ah, Elfman, you . You must be a very special man. I have a little anecdot to tell you. Eleven years ago, when I asked Evergreen what her type of man was. And do you know what she answered?"

Evergreen herself had no idea about what Bixlow was talking about but, since it was one of his ideas, the answer wouldn't please her. Elfman shook his head, then Bixlow clapped in his hands, and four of his totems (who were aso wearing a kind of smoking for the occasion) arrived, holding a white screen, and stopped at the end of the table. The last totem flew to the other end of the table, his eyes shining briefly with green sparkles, before an image finally appeared on the screen. All the guild members were staring in awe, just before the image unzoomed. Now everybody could see Evergreen, sprawled on the couch in a very unladylike manner, her legs crossed up on the dossier of the couch, her cheeks slightly flushed and her short hair tousled, sipping at a glass of Martini before saying:

"I have tons of untype of men, so I guess it's best if I simply described what my future boyfriend will be like. So, first things first, no mage. A man tall, but not much, because I don't wanna always crane my neck when speaking to him and I wanna match his height when I wear my heels. He will have the sense of fashion, so he won't dress like a peasant, but not too much, 'cause I'm the one that's supposed to spend the most on clothes, okay?"

Everyone was laughing out loud or at least smiling, while all colors drained from Evergreen's face, who was gaping at the projection with a look of sheer horror.

"That's all I think, but it's really hard to find a man who matches all the criteria. However, a man who doesn't fit them, even just one, can definitely not be my type."

After she said those words, the projection ended and everyone was laughing, Bixlow and Gray (who at first hadn't liked the fact that Evergreen described him to be as white as an ass) included. Elfman tried at least to cover his chuckle. Suddenly, Evergreen stood up her chair falling to the floor. Tears were welling in the corners of her eyes as she shouted to the puppeteer:

"You find funny, to embarrass me like that in front of the whole guild and my husband? You find that funny that everyone is now making fun of me? Well, you know what, Bixlow? Thanks you. Really thank you for wasting what was supposed to be the best day of my life!"

On those words, she left the room. Now nobody was laughing, except for Natsu and Gajeel (who stopped as soon as Erza gave them the glare). Soon the merry ambiance in the hall becae suddenly awkwardness and embarrassment. Elfman sighed rubbed the back of his head, like he did when he was embarrassed, and he stood up too, mumbling:

"I'm gonna talk to her."

Luxus, Fried, Lisanna and Mirajane were all staring at Bixlow, their arms crossed and a very scary expression painted on their faces.

"Hey! I didn't make that much of a fuss when Cana showed everyone the video where I was trying to hook up with a barstool during the Great Magic Games!"

Cana grinned immediately while Luxus, sighed, slightly annoyed.

"Well, it wasn't during your wedding day, in front of the whole guild!"

"Yeah, but she showed it to the guys of Quatro Cerberus!"

"Bixlow, you have crossed the line. You should go back to her and apologize!" demanded Fried.

"Right now," added Lisanna, who was as scary as his sister sometimes.

"Right now? But she's going to kill me!"

"You should have thought of it sooner before displaying the video!"

"Okay, Okay, I get it, it's my fault, I'm gonna beg her forgiveness... which of course, I'm never gonna get..."

"Bixlow!" growled Luxus, as a warning.

The blue-haired man went outside, his babies following him as usual. He turned around one last time before saying in a theatrical tone:

"Farewell, cruel world, cruel guild!"

Meanwhile, in the Streets of Magnolia, Evergreen was running as fast as she could away from the guild, away from the shame she had felt there. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. All of that was Bixlow's fault! Of course, she saying something about her type of man, once, but she thought she had said it to Cana. Of course she had laughed when she thought of it, making Elfman look too much confused as he was kneeling before her, a ring box in her hands; but hell, he had told that before everyone! They used to think she was a cold-hearted bitch, arrogant, proud and distant, and, just when they began to think of her otherwise, Bixlow showed this video and screwed everything up! Now they was probably thinking she wasn't in love with Elfman and had a motive for marrying him.

She arrived near the river and let herself fall on her knees, before sobbing miserably. She felt so betrayed! If he was as much of a brother as he pretended, why couldn't he let her marry Elfman and be happy forever after? She promised herself to make him pay the next time she saw him. And maybe she wouldn't have to wait long for her revenge. Indeed, someone was slowly walking behind her, and this could only be that bastard who was coming so she could forgive him (which she would never do, of course).

So she turned around, tuck her fan out and slapped the bastard right across the face.

Or, she thought she had slapped him.

Through her tears, she noticed he was wearing a white tuxedo. And there was only one person who was wearing a white tuxedo at their wedding.

" Oh my god, Elfman, I'm so sorry! I didn't intend to hurt you! I just thought it was Bixlow and… and…"

She couldn't say a word, because she began crying her eyes out.

"I'm a horrible woman and a horrible wife!" she croaked between two sobs.

Evergreen heard a soft sigh, then she felt Elfman hug her.

"You're not a horrible woman", he whispered in her ear, as he was trying to soothe her. You are the most amazing, beautiful, smart woman I've ever known. You are the only woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I know that since fifteen years."

He inhaled the fragrance of her hair deeply, before adding in a whisper:

"I love you Ever, and no matter what Bixlow says, or what you've thought or said before, I always will."

"Sorry for what happened. Sorry he brought that subject out. Sorry he ruined our wedding..." she said, looking straight into his eyes.

"You know what?" Elfman just cut her. Usually, she would scold him from doing that, but she didn't feel like doing that right now. "I'm glad Bixlow showed this video. He was right, you know? I feel very honored to be the exception that confirms the rule!"

Before she could say a thing (and even if she wanted, she couldn't, since she was startled by what her husband confessed), he kissed her gently.

"Besides, isn't the idiot the one that never changes up his mind?"

"I'm no idiot!" protested Evergreen, sniffing.

"Of course not!"

He smiled and wiped her tears away with his thumbs, before kissing her once more.

"I love you" he repeated.

Just when Evergreen thought she had stopped crying, those three words made her cry even more.

"You shouldn't cry, you're gonna ruin your make up" he said softly, his chin on top of her head, as he was holding her into his arms.

"My make up is already ruined" she mumbled, pointing her eyes. "See?"

"Doesn't matter to me."

"I love you," she whispered, before kissing him.

"I know."

Elfman had a cocky grin and seemed too sure of himself, so she pushed him down in the grass. He didn't seem to mind though, and looked very happy to have his wife kissing him. She had a hand over his heart and one over his neck; he had one cupping her cheek and the other who was running down her back, as he deepened the kiss. It felt good to be just the two of them, in peace, no bothering anymore about contacting Magnolia's priest to perform the wedding, choose the color of the napkin, do the perfect seating chart so there would be no fight, helping Mira and the others for the cooking, or pick the best clothes for their wedding.

But it would have surely felt greater if an intruder hadn't burst near them, all of a sudden:

"Hey, Ever, listen I'm so very sorry for what just happened in the guild and please don't kill me, I'll do whatever you want and... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

They immediately looked around to see who the intruder was, and met Bixlow's gaze. Before they could say something, the Seith mage ran away, to the guild most probably. immediately, Evergreen got up and smoothed down her skirts, and dust them off. Elfman groaned inwardly, not wanting to be disturbed in that moment. When he'd see Bixlow, he would have a manly conversation with him.

"We must go back to the guild," Evergreen said.

"Why do you want to go back here?"

"Because the wedding isn't over. The dessert is still waiting for us."

"Oh, and you think it won't be over when Bixlow will stumble and yelling he saw us making out in a public place?"

"You certainly have a point", she admitted. Where do you want to go?"

"Wherever you want to!"

"Liar," she said, a smile tugging at her lips as she made a move to push him away. "I know you want to get back home!"

"Because that's not what you want?" he asked in a falsely innocent tone. "Besides, I think you owe me some payback for this." (he showed her the trace of the fan on his cheek and, immediately, Evergreen felt guilty)

"Yeah, that's true."

Grinning widely, Elfman stood up and carried her bridal style, making her yelp in surprise.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm doing what husband are supposed to do."

"But… Elfman, our house isn't near!"

"I could carry you through Fiore if you asked me to."

"Oh, you surely know how to talk to women…" she replied.

When they arrived at home, almost an hour later, they were giggling like teenagers. Elfman's tie was hanging loosely around his neck, his shirt was crumpled, and he had lipstick traces all over his neck (he tried to get their home as fast as he could, but Evergreen was kissing and nipping at his neck, making it difficult for him to focus on the way). Her hair was tousled, freed from all the hairpins and her veil. Ever opened the door of their house and he slammed it shut behind them. Fortunately, they did make it until their bedroom (fortunately, because Elfman had taken a lot of time to prepare it for this occasion, with candles, and petals of flowers, and all that jazz).

* * *

The chatter in the guild had resumed when Bixlow came back, panting. He let himself fall into a chair and tried to catch his breath.

"Forget about the cake. I don't think they will come back," he managed to say between two breaths.

"That's entirely your fault! I hope you are proud of yourself!" reproached Luxus.

"How did you dare my brother's life?" screamed Mirajane, with tears in the corners of her eyes.

The blue-haired mage eyed the Lightning Dragon Slayer and the demon with horrified eyes.

"No, man, you don't understand! She barely registered my presence because they were intensively making out under the stars, above the grass and before the river!"

"Making out!" repeated the babies.

"Oh, that sounds sooooooo romantic" said Juvia with a far away look in her eyes, but staring strangely at Gray, who was pulling a face when he realized she was watching him.

"Mama, what does "making out" mean?"asked Asuka.

Bisca gaped at her daughter then looked at Alzack, who was also gaping, then they both glanced down at the child, who was far too innocent to have the slightest clue about what this expression meant. Both snipers summoned their magic and pulled out their guns. Bixlow swallowed soundly. He thought he wouldn't suffer, this night; and his predictions had just roven to be false. Instead of hiding from Evergreen's wrath, he had to face the anger of two Western parents.

* * *

 **A/N: Ta-daa! here's for your monthly Elfever cure!**

 **Because Evergreen is a character full of contradictions and I have the feeling that Elfman wasn't at all the man she pictured she'd spent the rest of her life with XD**

 **I kind of want to do a sequel where Bixlow hides in Elfmn and Evergreen's house, because nobody would search him there, and in the morning there's a bit of explanation but I fear it'd be too short... Let me know in the reviews if you want that! Oh, and could you also tell me if you ant me to write the wedding scene, following "Girls are the roses o the Crown of Life"? Some people asked me to, but I want your advice.**


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